plainwhiteroom







plainwhiteroom are Kerri and Tim. We work and play in Toronto.


   
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Dec 12, 2004
Stealing is bad!

Last Thursday at work I stole a co-worker's pen.

At the time I didn't think it was stealing. I returned to my desk after a training session, and I noticed this really cool, felt-tip pen lying on my desk, near some notebooks. I usually use these totally lame PaperMate ball points that the company supplies, and I can't be bothered to buy my own. So when I saw this pen I was pretty happy. I had no idea how it got there, so I picked it up and tried it out. Exactly my kind of pen - black ink, fine width and it was a click top, no cap. I put it in my desk drawer for later use.

About five minutes after finding it, the new guy who sits beside me returned to his desk and started looking around, searching for something. When he told me he was looking for his pen, instead of saying "Oh I have it I found it on my desk", I said something stupid like "No way, you had it over here?" and proceeded to pretend to help him find it. I should have just got it and gave it to him, of course. But I think the idea that I would have to open my drawer and get it would indicate that I had "stolen" it. He seemed a little bummed out because it was a very good pen. His thought was that the Tech Support guy who was hooking up his PC had probably taken it earlier in the day. I went along with the story.

Then the new guy left for the day and I was stuck trying to figure out what the hell to do. He's a really nice guy, so I desperately tried to think of a way I could innocently return the pen to him, making it look like I had not in fact absconded it. This was my genius idea: I took the pen out of my drawer and nudged it behind one of my notebooks. Then, in the morning I would come into the office, find his pen and hand it to him. I would be a hero, a bonafide life-saver who did not steal a co-worker's pen. With that in mind, I packed up my stuff and went home for the night.

Following morning, I got into work at around 8 and got stuff ready for my morning training session. Before I went into the training room, I "found" the pen and, happily, went to teach the morning class. The new guy hadn't arrived for the class yet, so I simply placed his pen on his training desk. At about 8:30 he came in the room, noticed the pen and exclaimed "Hey you didn't have to buy me a new pen". I told him I didn't, and that I actually found it on my desk, behind some books. He answered "But this isn't my pen. My pen is a blah-biddy blah pen and this one is completely different". I had no idea what to say, so I made something up that maybe the Tech Support guy switched pens or some bullshit like that. I guess he bought it.

After the training session I returned to my desk and opened my drawer. Lo and behold, another pen was in the little pen-holding area. I must have taken out a different pen that I thought was his, thinking it was his pen. I took his pen out of the drawer and put it in my bag, to bring home so he could never accuse me of having taken it. So now I have this wicked pen at my house, which is retarded because I hardly ever write anything down at home.  

Posted at 04:54 pm by timker
Comments (7)

Nov 29, 2004
The woman has magical powers...That's it!


Saturday afternoon I was walking on Bloor Street, picking up a few items. At one point I was crossing a side street and I slowed down as I approached the street. Maybe there was a car coming. Two women who were walking directly behind me turned to go down the side street, but one of the women bumped into me as she turned. I said sorry, and this is what she said: "I'm sorry, Tim". I've never met this woman. She is/was a total stranger to me. And yet I am 99.9999% sure she said my name. If she didn't say my name, she said something after "I'm sorry" that began with the letters t and i.

Posted at 09:05 am by timker
Comments (4)

Nov 25, 2004
Sin City & Dan & I Chatting

This is probably all over the net but holy shit what a wicked trailer:

SIN CITY TRAILER

All thanks to Dan for setting me up with the co-ordinates for that gem.

ME: Yeah, it's like that time Raiders of the Lost Ark came to the theatre in the Soo when I was a kid. My sister went with me. I would've been 11 i guess and she was 14 or 15. The film was rated 14A, so my sister could get in, but I couldn't. I was so bummed out. I'll be sure to bring my ID when Sin City comes out, boy.

DAN:  Word. I saw Bladerunner in the theatre for my birthday with my Dad and a friend when it came out. I liked it at the time, but not as much as I could appreciate it years later. Decker wasn't like the Indy and Han I knew.

Sin City seems to have that cheesey dialogue that comic nerds are notorious for writing, but it kind of works for the film noir style they're going for.

I really hope the movie is good, because it looks to be promising. Shades of Tarantino too.

Man, Jessica Alba is hot.... Virtually every woman in the trailer looks hot hot hot.

Just got your phone call this a.m. I must have been out to getting ice cream when you called. Yep,, ass creem.

ME: when did star wars come out? 1978? i think so, because i remember it ws summer and my family was at a friend's cottage just north of the soo, and my dad wanted to take me to see star wars. we were having a wicked time at the cottage, playing on the raft and eating weiners and smoking seaweed and stuff, but in the evening my dad and i drove into the city to see it, and i remember completely loving how awesome and huge everything was.

the first time i saw a two page movie ad in the newspaper was when poltergeist came out. it was in the saturday star (my dad subscribed to the toronto star), and they had this massive two page ad for it. it was a grainy black and white shot of the neighborhood where the movie took place. too cool.

DAN: Star Wars came out May 25, 1977. They always come out three years apart, third week of May or so. You can do the math. Final one is due out this May. Can't wait, even thought parts of it will undoubtedly suck.

Smoking weiners and eating seaweed?

ME: yeah we used to hang out at my godparents cottage in Haviland Bay, and all us kids would have a bonfire at night while the parents were on the patio or inside the cottage getting drunk. anyways, we'd gather up a bunch of dried seaweed, you know the long thin stuff? stick one end into the fire and you could smoke it, 'cause the inside of the seaweed was porous. we got a kick out of that.

DAN: I had neighbours across the street- a girl and three boys of varying age named the LaPrairies. Think about what it rhymes with. The two older boys used to answer the front door wearing their mother's clothes. The youngest one, Doug, my age stuck a meat thermometer up his ass one day and wanted me to do the same. I declined. The father accidentally ran over my tricycle.

I had another neighbour named Mr.Crow. Maybe I told you about him. He was a civil engineer who contracted malaria in Africa and slowly went nuts. He ripped the backseat out of his pinto and had no furniture in his house. He bought tons of porno mags which he piled around his house. He didn't pay for heat, so he just had space heaters. He freaked out when kids stepped on his lawn, on dares and drove around in his car, rolling down the window and squirted what we heard was javex and water at us. Maybe it wasn't, but he did this to me and my friends a bunch of times. It's weird to think now that no parent ever did anything about this. The space heaters and riff raff in his house started a fire one night that burned his place down. A fireman gave me and my friends a porno mag that he found in the rubble the next day.

I have other kooky growing up stories I'll tell you sometime. I'm sure you have lots more too.

ME: LaPrairies - the fairies? gay paree? am i close?

that mr crow story is hilarious. you've told me that before and it's nuts. i'm off today and tomorrow. been downloading songs and doing laundry.

DAN: downloading laundry and washing songs? Clever rabbit.

You must be from the future.

note from tim: i can't get these fonts right. i've selected Arial size 10, but as you can see it's all fucked up. what a jip.
 



 



Posted at 04:58 pm by timker
Comments (1)

Oct 21, 2004
Weight Watchers Recipe Cards

If you go here you can have a good time figuring out what 1974 Weight Watchers Recipe Card you are. I am Fluffy Mackerel Pudding.


fluffymack
You are Fluffy Mackerel Pudding!! You somehow
manage to combine seafood and dessert into your
wonderfully fluffy world. We should all be as
tolerant of New Taste Sensations. And of
big-yolked eggs.

What Weight Watchers recipe card from 1974 are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Posted at 12:04 pm by timker
Comments (3)

Aug 24, 2004
Alone In Algonquin



Kerri and I went to Algonquin Provincial Park for two nights earlier this week. Our site was on Kingscote Lake, at the southernmost tip of the park. Many firsts, that trip.

  • It was the first time I had ever gone camping with someone who has less experience at camping than me.
  • It was the first time I had ever gone camping in an area completely devoid of any other human contact.
  • It was the first time I had to actually carry all our gear into the actual campsite.
  • It was the first time both of us had seen such an incredible display of Northern Lights.

I will freely admit that the realisation that we were utterly alone freaked me out. The nearest dwelling was only 7km away, but it seems like a million miles when you are in the middle of a forest at 1am. Kerri kept mentioning she was scared that some kind of crazy serial killer was hiding somewhere in the woods. It sounds totally ridiculous of course, and it's clearly a result of being raised on 80s teen horror movies. On several occasions I thought the exact same thing, as it turns out. But I never said anything, because I thought that if I did, then the two of us would be completely hysterical. What freaked me out more, and what kept me up for part of the first night, were the strange animal sounds I heard outside the tent. Scurrying about, little animal noises, and at one point something actually brushed against the tent. Likely it was a field mouse or a chipmunk, but when you're high and sleeping in a tent in the middle of a very authentic Ontario forest, it's possible that the mind wanders.

Good times, though. Rained like mad during the second night, but that didn't stop us from crawling out of our tents and roasting some weiners on the fire that was slowly getting doused out. I friggin' love barbecued hot dogs.




 


Posted at 09:34 am by timker
Comments (2)

Jun 24, 2004
A Total Rip Off


My friend Rick had some interesting things to say about the recent cancellation of all the Lollapalooza shows. The Toronto shows were set for August 5th and 6th, at a downtown concert venue called the Molson Amphitheatre.

"I don't know. I still hold the opinion that if they hadn't booked into a venue that sounds and feels like everyone's dad's surround sound tee-vee room and they had dropped it into a field somewhere and crammed it all into a one day event, then I wouldn't have cared what the price was. I would have gone. As it stands, the cost of a ticket is a good down payment on a surround system and you can wait for the video and miss nothing but the weather and the ten hours sitting on Lakeshore waiting to give someone $75 to put your car on a little square of concrete. Of course, this is just my opinion, but to revive a festival that I was totally loyal to back in the day and turn it into a yuppie love in against everything that it was built upon in the first place so that House Of Blues can increase their margins by booking it downtown and charging more for admission seems a bit counter intuitive. I'm not heart broken in the least."


The organisers have completely lost sight of what made the Lollapalooza shows of the 90s so wicked. It's a total drag, because a bunch of us here were really looking forward to seeing the bands. The lineup was amazing, especially the first day. Anyways...


Man oh man.
Goldeneye was on CTV last week, and I caught the first 20 minutes or so of it.
 
Opening sequence (get this): James Bond runs out of some kind of massive military compound located in the snow-peaked, rocky mountains in Siberia (presumably like a million miles above sea level). A large garrison of soldiers chases after him, shooting as they run (with all their thorough military training, they still manage to miss their target on every single shot). James Bond continues to run away from them, and it is revealed that he is running down an runway, toward a moving single engine airplane. He manages to get to the door of the plane, wrenches it open and pulls the pilot from the plane. Both pilot and James Bond are hurled to the ground, rolling on the tarmac. James Bond gets up and continues to run toward the plane. Along the way, he jumps on a motorbike and speeds toward the plane, which is somehow picking up speed on the runway. The airplane reaches the end of the runway and falls off the edge of a cliff. So does James Bond, on the motorbike. Now both airplane and James Bond are free-falling toward the incredibly rocky terrain of mountainous Siberia. James Bond manages to pick up amazing speed as he hurtles toward earth, so much so that he successfully reaches the door to the plane and climbs in. The plane is aimed directly at the ground, travelling god knows how fast. James Bond grabs the steering stick of the plane and pulls! pulls! pulls with all his might and SUCCESSGFULLY RIGHTS THE PLANE AT THE EXACT MOMENT IT IS ABOUT TO SMASH INTO THE MOUNTAINS (this is why i think the military compound was a million miles above sea level). James Bond escapes the evil Siberian military, or whoever those guys are.
 
Title sequence: too unbelievably sad and painful too describe, though I'll try. It sort of resembles a souped-up PowerPoint presentation prepared by stoned monkeys.
 

Posted at 08:08 pm by timker
Comments (6)

May 16, 2004
Hungry Like The Wolf

 
 


The following excerpt is culled from the Harlequin Romance novel Jungle Hospital, written by Juliet Shore and published in 1961:

 

“I was gonna ask him if I might feel my way around today, but if he’s determined to be stuffy, I’ll jolly well just show up and blow him”.

 

Does anybody know what that means? Especially the “blow him” part.


Posted at 11:15 pm by timker
Comments (4)

Apr 27, 2004
kerri has these many pants

she has work pants, and she has lounge pants, and she has sleeping pants, and she has exercise pants.


Posted at 10:48 pm by timker
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Mar 15, 2004
The Sting/Phil Collins Alliance

The cycle is complete now. The world is in a perfect state of balance.

Sting and Phil Collins presented an award together at the oscars this year. 
 

Two individuals start out in the same general geographical location (ie the UK).


They decide to try their luck with music, forming the bands Genesis and the Police.


Each band successfully breaks into the U.S. market.

The success of each band allows Phil and Sting to sever ties with their musical counterparts.

They begin massively successful solo careers that eclipse their former bands.
 

They eventually start churning out soundtrack songs for Disney cartoons. 
  

The cycle is complete with appearance of Sting and Phil Collins on stage at the 2004 Academy Awards.


It's too freaky to go unnoticed.


Posted at 11:45 am by timker
Comments (4)

Feb 27, 2004
Have You Tasted The Finest Of Trout?

Kerri and I went to see Grant Lee Phillips last night at the Horseshoe, and he once again put faith in our belief that there are still quality musicians/singers/songwriters out there who have seen beyond the facade of image and angst, and are simply interested in performing beautiful music for those who will listen. He has a live persona that you will not soon forget - bit of Elvis swagger mixed with some hilarious lounge act banter. He can work a crowd better than Sinatra. And he just looks like he's enjoying himself. Big smiles for the entire show, and his backup band is always having a good time.

He can wail in one bar then whisper in the next. He sings great, descriptive songs about places and things in America that I have never seen, and he can also write some of the most beautiful (and sad) love songs you'll ever hear. With his three piece band, he manages to make his 12 string acoustic sound like 3 guitars, and when he flicks on his little fuzzbox and starts soloing, the room fills with this enormous distorted, maximum reverb sound that just knocks you on your ass. It's so amazing, and you look up and Grant is up there flailing away on an ACOUSTIC GUITAR. It looks and sounds so cool.

Anyone who is a fan of Grant and/or Grant Lee Buffalo knows how great the songs are. He actually played a lot of older songs from the Buffalo days. Wicked arrangements that sounded perfect. When he came out for the encore, he played an incredibly strong, emotionally charged performance of "Demon Called Deception" by himself on the 12 string. It was amazing to see and hear him make that song even stronger than it already is.

And so you wanna know what I can't get my head wrapped around? Not quite a month ago I went to see Mark Kozelek at the same venue, and he was a total disappointment. I have a lot of respect for his songwriting, but he played with little emotion and no dramatic flare at all. The place was packed. And just last week we went to see the Swedish retro band The Sounds (again, same venue). Terrible band. Poor songwriting, absolutely no concept of playing together as a unified band. 100% image. Sold out show. Grant's show last night was maybe at half-capacity. And every single person there was transfixed. And then after the show he hung out at the bar and talked to people and signed stuff. Very casual and approachable. God bless Grant Lee Phillips.

Setlist (not in order, and i may have left out a few tunes):
Mockingbirds, It's the Life, Mighty Joe Moon, Demon Called Deception, Happiness, Honey Don't Think, Shining Hour, Jupiter & Teardrop, Fuzzy, The Hook, Truly Truly, Heavenly, Mona Lisa, Lily a Passion, Calamity Jane, Dirty Secret, Josephine of the Swamps, Drunken Angel (Lucinda Williams song), The Race Is On (George Jones song).

Billy, if you read this, go see him again if he comes to Seattle.

Posted at 06:02 pm by timker
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